Celebrating small victories

When it comes to any part of my journey, the end goal is always more important than the steps it takes to get there.  I have all these goals that I want to achieve and if I don’t achieve them, and quickly, I feel like I have failed.  Maybe this has always been my personality or maybe it’s something that has changed over time, I honestly don’t remember, most likely there were never goals I had that seemed this crucial to me before.

As part of the fertility treatment I am going through, I started seeing an acupuncturist.  I went solely for fertility acupuncture but at our initial consultation, she thought I would equally benefit from fertility treatments and treatment for my anxiety.  Not knowing really anything about acupuncture or even if it would work or not, I agreed to both treatments because maybe it would work, and maybe she could help me with my fertility problems which was my main goal and if in the process she helped me to not have panic attacks while driving….even better.

I should mention that since our loss, I have this overwhelming sense of losing everyone around me.  I get nervous about my husbands 50 minute commute to and from work, that someone could hit him or he could be fall asleep behind the wheel because his drive is long and to me it seems like he never gets enough sleep.  I worry about pretty much everything when it comes to our son….I would love to put him in a bubble to guarantee nothing bad ever happens to him.  And I panic when I have to drive, especially if it is somewhere I am unfamiliar with or if it involves going anywhere near downtown.  There are two major city streets by where I live that I am comfortable with, if I can take those to get to where you need me to go, then I’ll go, if I can’t…..maybe I’ll see you next time. It’s definitely not the way that I have always been (except for the driving downtown part) so I would love to go back to “normal.”

The first acupuncture treatment I had, I was terrified.  I felt like this was the last thing we could try before either doing an IUI or just coming to the realization that more kids were not in our future….also I wasn’t really sure how much those needles were going to hurt.  Turns out, they don’t really hurt at all….well, except for the ones in the fingertips, those kinda hurt, but no pain no gain right?!  The sessions consist of us talking for anywhere from 10 – 30 minutes about how I’m feeling, how or what I felt after the last session, then 5 minutes of her putting the needles in and 30 minutes of relaxing.  Turns out the relaxing part was a lot harder than anything else.  Those first two sessions, I could not turn my brain off to save my life and the more I tried to relax, the more worked up I got.  Who fails at relaxing?!

By the third session, I had been practicing breathing techniques she gave me, doing yoga and really trying to find some kind of peace with this whole process.  We really started talking more and more about how important it was to my physical body, to be mentally sound.  We also discussed the small steps you have to take in order to reach a goal.  With everything in life, so many people want it to happen right now.  They don’t want to think of all the little things that need to happen in order to get to that final goal.  They don’t celebrate the small victories they make on their journey, which can often time then lead to ultimate failure.  So celebrate the little things in life, every victory you have that makes you who you are and get to where you want to be.  For me, I ovulated for the first time in months, after starting the acupuncture so maybe there is something to it after all.  I may or may not be pregnant, only time will tell, but for right now, my body has finally started doing what it needs to for me to reach that goal, and that is definitely something that deserves to be celebrated.
For anyone interested in trying acupuncture, I see Kim at Jensen Health and Energy Center.


Hello again

I’m calling this post ‘Hello again’ because it has been so long since I’ve posted anything.  I could list out all the excuses as to why that is but they would be just that, excuses, and the real reason is I don’t like talking about what’s going on in my life right now.  I have multiple posts that I have written and not published yet because they are about superficial things and I don’t feel like it’s fair to only share the superficial aspects of my life without sharing the tough things too.  I thought when I posted the side by side pictures of my weight loss journey, that would be the hardest thing to put out into the cyber universe, but it turns out I was wrong.  I could just talk about the superficial things and keep the deeper parts of my journey to myself but that’s not being true to the people reading this and it’s not being true to myself.  Because really, as much as I hope that someone one day will read a post I write and find comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in an experience or feelings, I also write to get my emotions out and find a way to process them.

So here is my past year in a nutshell…..we have been trying to conceive.  It seems like such an insignificant sentence for something that has literally taken over my life, so let me expand further on that.  For those of you that have not read my previous posts, in November of 2015, I had a miscarriage.  It was and still is, something that is very difficult to think about.  Even a year and a half later, it brings tears to my eyes and a heaviness to my heart, something I think no matter how much time passes, will always happen.  After a few months of letting my body recover, we were ready to start trying again and my doctor found a tumor on my thyroid.  Trying to conceive plans were put on hold.  Fall comes and my doctors are on board with us starting to try again, only to have some female issues start and once again our plans are put on hold.  And at this point, I feel like we have had so many problems, I might never be cleared to start trying again.

Those thoughts started to consume me.  The chaos swarming around in my head would drive the sanest person, crazy and it only got worse when they finally did clear me to start trying again.  Because I was going to be turning 36 soon and felt like my window was rapidly closing, yes I know women can have children much later than that but a woman trying to conceive is anything but rational.  I started reading everything I could about the subject, using multiple apps to track everything I could, and treating it like it was my job….doesn’t that sound like optimal conditions for making a baby?!

A few more months go by and when we still are not pregnant, my husband and I are sent for fertility testing.  I went into this specialist thinking there was nothing wrong.  I honestly thought she was going to tell me that because I was a little older now, it was just taking a little longer but everything was great and we would have no problems….that is in fact, not at all what she said.  I was completely blindsided when I got my results and when my husband called to tell me his, I had to have him repeat at least 5 times because my brain could not process what he was saying.  Once again, the naïve bubble I lived in had been popped and real life was poking it’s ugly head in.

I have done 3 rounds of fertility medication now and let me tell you, it is no joke.  My emotions spiral out of control at an even more rapid pace now (sorry babe) and the weird aches and pains that you want to believe are pregnancy symptoms, but are, of course, not.  I am going to an acupuncturist for fertility treatments and also anxiety treatments, which is definitely a whole new experience for me but one that I am really enjoying….and will like even more if it works!  I’m only using one app now and try not to look at it a thousand times a day.  And most importantly, I’m trying to remember that my journey is in the hands of God and if it is meant to be, it will be.

Trying to conceive is hard….trying to conceive after a loss is even harder.  I wish that it wasn’t, I wish that everyone that wanted a baby could have one and never have to live with an underlying sense of fear.  I wish that nothing bad ever happened to our children.  But that’s not life, and instead of wishing, I pray, and that gives me comfort.

I do hope that after reading this, you think twice before asking someone why they don’t have any children or when they’re going to have another because you never know someone else’s struggle.