It seems like whenever I am going through something, the opposite is going on in everyone else’s life. For example, when I had the miscarriage, it seemed like all of the sudden everyone else I knew was pregnant. So what I should have done was deactivate all social media I have so I wasn’t torturing myself with the millions of posts and pictures with their baby bumps or newborns, but is that what I did? Of course not! Since I wasn’t doing that, I should have ‘unfollowed’ friends that were either pregnant or had just had a baby. But again, is that what I did? No again. Instead, I ‘like’ the pictures because what if I don’t and the person notices that I am the only person not liking any of their pictures?! I can’t have that! In reality, does anyone actually care whether I like their pictures…probably not.
I was due June 16, I have a cousin that is due June 20….every time she posts her pregnancy tracker it is like a dagger to my heart. I should be posting my own pregnancy tracker and instead I’m filled with worry and anxiety over my upcoming surgery and whether or not I will ever be able to have another child. Let me be clear, I am not angry she is pregnant and I am not, I do not see her posts and get upset because she is having what seems like a normal pregnancy. It just brings up all the raw emotion I had right after the loss. And it brings back the feelings of guilt, that my body could not provide a safe place for my baby. So I continue to ‘like’ the posts and ‘like’ the pictures and torture myself. Like I said….virtual cutting.
I wish I could put out a public service announcement to everyone I know or will meet in the future that had a baby in the year 2016. A warning of sorts, so they know I have to keep my distance from their children. Something like:
To whom it may concern,
While I can be happy for you and your growing family, please for the sake of my mental well-being, understand I will not be able to interact/hold/play with your child. This does not mean I am not happy for you, it does not mean I am angry with you, it simply means I don’t want to have a complete breakdown in front of you or your child. Thank you for your understanding.
Unfortunately, life is not like that and instead I will end up making people angry because they think I hate them or their child, or I will lose friends that don’t understand why it’s ok for me to be around other children but not ones born the same year as my child was supposed to be born. People are not going to understand that every milestone their child makes, I will be thinking of mine that should have been hitting those same milestones. Or thinking of how maybe our children would have been best friends but we will never know now because my child is in heaven. And well, all of those thoughts make me want to cry, so instead I will just keep my distance and hope people get that I am happy for them…just from a distance.