When it comes to any part of my journey, the end goal is always more important than the steps it takes to get there. I have all these goals that I want to achieve and if I don’t achieve them, and quickly, I feel like I have failed. Maybe this has always been my personality or maybe it’s something that has changed over time, I honestly don’t remember, most likely there were never goals I had that seemed this crucial to me before.
As part of the fertility treatment I am going through, I started seeing an acupuncturist. I went solely for fertility acupuncture but at our initial consultation, she thought I would equally benefit from fertility treatments and treatment for my anxiety. Not knowing really anything about acupuncture or even if it would work or not, I agreed to both treatments because maybe it would work, and maybe she could help me with my fertility problems which was my main goal and if in the process she helped me to not have panic attacks while driving….even better.
I should mention that since our loss, I have this overwhelming sense of losing everyone around me. I get nervous about my husbands 50 minute commute to and from work, that someone could hit him or he could be fall asleep behind the wheel because his drive is long and to me it seems like he never gets enough sleep. I worry about pretty much everything when it comes to our son….I would love to put him in a bubble to guarantee nothing bad ever happens to him. And I panic when I have to drive, especially if it is somewhere I am unfamiliar with or if it involves going anywhere near downtown. There are two major city streets by where I live that I am comfortable with, if I can take those to get to where you need me to go, then I’ll go, if I can’t…..maybe I’ll see you next time. It’s definitely not the way that I have always been (except for the driving downtown part) so I would love to go back to “normal.”
The first acupuncture treatment I had, I was terrified. I felt like this was the last thing we could try before either doing an IUI or just coming to the realization that more kids were not in our future….also I wasn’t really sure how much those needles were going to hurt. Turns out, they don’t really hurt at all….well, except for the ones in the fingertips, those kinda hurt, but no pain no gain right?! The sessions consist of us talking for anywhere from 10 – 30 minutes about how I’m feeling, how or what I felt after the last session, then 5 minutes of her putting the needles in and 30 minutes of relaxing. Turns out the relaxing part was a lot harder than anything else. Those first two sessions, I could not turn my brain off to save my life and the more I tried to relax, the more worked up I got. Who fails at relaxing?!
By the third session, I had been practicing breathing techniques she gave me, doing yoga and really trying to find some kind of peace with this whole process. We really started talking more and more about how important it was to my physical body, to be mentally sound. We also discussed the small steps you have to take in order to reach a goal. With everything in life, so many people want it to happen right now. They don’t want to think of all the little things that need to happen in order to get to that final goal. They don’t celebrate the small victories they make on their journey, which can often time then lead to ultimate failure. So celebrate the little things in life, every victory you have that makes you who you are and get to where you want to be. For me, I ovulated for the first time in months, after starting the acupuncture so maybe there is something to it after all. I may or may not be pregnant, only time will tell, but for right now, my body has finally started doing what it needs to for me to reach that goal, and that is definitely something that deserves to be celebrated.
For anyone interested in trying acupuncture, I see Kim at Jensen Health and Energy Center.