I’m calling this post ‘Hello again’ because it has been so long since I’ve posted anything. I could list out all the excuses as to why that is but they would be just that, excuses, and the real reason is I don’t like talking about what’s going on in my life right now. I have multiple posts that I have written and not published yet because they are about superficial things and I don’t feel like it’s fair to only share the superficial aspects of my life without sharing the tough things too. I thought when I posted the side by side pictures of my weight loss journey, that would be the hardest thing to put out into the cyber universe, but it turns out I was wrong. I could just talk about the superficial things and keep the deeper parts of my journey to myself but that’s not being true to the people reading this and it’s not being true to myself. Because really, as much as I hope that someone one day will read a post I write and find comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in an experience or feelings, I also write to get my emotions out and find a way to process them.
So here is my past year in a nutshell…..we have been trying to conceive. It seems like such an insignificant sentence for something that has literally taken over my life, so let me expand further on that. For those of you that have not read my previous posts, in November of 2015, I had a miscarriage. It was and still is, something that is very difficult to think about. Even a year and a half later, it brings tears to my eyes and a heaviness to my heart, something I think no matter how much time passes, will always happen. After a few months of letting my body recover, we were ready to start trying again and my doctor found a tumor on my thyroid. Trying to conceive plans were put on hold. Fall comes and my doctors are on board with us starting to try again, only to have some female issues start and once again our plans are put on hold. And at this point, I feel like we have had so many problems, I might never be cleared to start trying again.
Those thoughts started to consume me. The chaos swarming around in my head would drive the sanest person, crazy and it only got worse when they finally did clear me to start trying again. Because I was going to be turning 36 soon and felt like my window was rapidly closing, yes I know women can have children much later than that but a woman trying to conceive is anything but rational. I started reading everything I could about the subject, using multiple apps to track everything I could, and treating it like it was my job….doesn’t that sound like optimal conditions for making a baby?!
A few more months go by and when we still are not pregnant, my husband and I are sent for fertility testing. I went into this specialist thinking there was nothing wrong. I honestly thought she was going to tell me that because I was a little older now, it was just taking a little longer but everything was great and we would have no problems….that is in fact, not at all what she said. I was completely blindsided when I got my results and when my husband called to tell me his, I had to have him repeat at least 5 times because my brain could not process what he was saying. Once again, the naïve bubble I lived in had been popped and real life was poking it’s ugly head in.
I have done 3 rounds of fertility medication now and let me tell you, it is no joke. My emotions spiral out of control at an even more rapid pace now (sorry babe) and the weird aches and pains that you want to believe are pregnancy symptoms, but are, of course, not. I am going to an acupuncturist for fertility treatments and also anxiety treatments, which is definitely a whole new experience for me but one that I am really enjoying….and will like even more if it works! I’m only using one app now and try not to look at it a thousand times a day. And most importantly, I’m trying to remember that my journey is in the hands of God and if it is meant to be, it will be.
Trying to conceive is hard….trying to conceive after a loss is even harder. I wish that it wasn’t, I wish that everyone that wanted a baby could have one and never have to live with an underlying sense of fear. I wish that nothing bad ever happened to our children. But that’s not life, and instead of wishing, I pray, and that gives me comfort.
I do hope that after reading this, you think twice before asking someone why they don’t have any children or when they’re going to have another because you never know someone else’s struggle.